I just held on……..

Hi guys!  I have tried to write something for the last couple of months.  Every time I try I chicken out.  I just don’t know what to say, so much is different now and I just don’t know where to start.  I started this blog for a weight loss journey, but it evolved into everyday life and then that life that I knew just up and vanished.  So I’m not sure where to start with this, but here goes:

Rewind to October 2016, I had been struggling with bouncing back and forth between a few pounds.  I just couldn’t get myself on track and stay on track.  Aside from my WLJ I was enjoying life, enjoying my family, but I knew something was “off.”  I had been praying for God to show me what was going on.  Then right after Thanksgiving I found out about Rob.  He had been having an affair with a couple of women (more probably, but I only know about the 2).  Because the one was so close to me and because my world that I thought was pretty good kind of crumbled in one day I was shattered.  Don’t get me wrong I know I’m a strong person (not being boastful, but I know this about me).  This, though was something completely different.  This was something I couldn’t get through on my own.  I mean, how could he do this?  We have a great life, we have these 2 perfect, miracle boys-what possesses someone to throw all that away?  Those were my thoughts……  I cried, I got angry, I prayed A LOT!!  I had kicked him out of the house that day and after talking to my pastor and some more praying I decided to see what happened.  To just keep praying about it and if God wanted us to be together He would give me forgiveness and change him, I knew it wouldn’t happen over night, but I was willing to see what happened.

WLJ wise I was a mess, I started gaining weight and I realized that I am a HUGE emotional eater.  When I was sad I ate, when I was happy (and yes I was happy because the Lord gave me comfort and strength when I just couldn’t do it on my own, plus He gave me these 2 wonderful miracles that gives my life joy) I ate, when I was stressed I ate because let me tell you becoming a single mom over night, making new routines was stressful!

I think it was mid-January when I found out he was still talking to one of the women.  He claims it was just for friendship, but seriously after what they did how could you even think about being friends with that person (especially when you supposedly want your marriage to work).  So, a lot of prayer and counseling with my pastor I filed for divorce.  You know what?  I wasn’t as broken up as I though I would be.  I mean, sure the perfect life I had always wanted just completely changed, but God gave me strength.  Actually He gave me everything my heart has ever desired.  My boys who at first were a little confused actually adjusted quite well.  It’s only through God’s love and grace and the help of my family that they did.  I would pray that God send me someone.  I was very specific: I wanted him to be in church, to be caring, to be loyal, to be understanding, to love me in a way I had never been loved before, to be older, to love my kids like his own, to have a love for him like I had never known before, to be kind, to be patient, someone to have a true partnership with, someone to have that mushy, all-consuming love with and a few other things.  I knew what I had had before wasn’t what I wanted in the future.  The more I thought about my marriage I just don’t know if it was ever that real true love that you hear about.  Of course there was love there, but I think maybe for both of us it wasn’t the right kind of love-does that make sense?  The Lord gave me so much love, SOOOOO much forgiveness, so much comfort and strength.  I was finally coming out of this and felt like I was making the right decision.

Then February came.  Lawyers are super slow-did anyone know that?  I mean it feels like it took forever to get the agreement signed, but waiting for the courts-wow!  Meanwhile I was still eating emotionally and just eating in general. I also stopped cooking like I used to.  I guess because my boys never really ate what I cooked anyway I just didn’t see a reason to cook for myself.  That doesn’t mean we ate fast food all the time, it just means we weren’t eating home cooked meals.  Right around this time I met this man.  Not out of the blue-someone I have known for a very long time, we have worked together for years.  He was going through his own life issues and we became friends (whereas before it was more of seeing each other here and there-ya know?).  So, I prayed.  And prayed some more (are you noticing a theme here?), I prayed for his life issues, I prayed that God would strengthen him, that He would let me know what the next step was.  You see, he wasn’t in church and that was my #1 pre-requisite for anyone I would be with in the future.  So we stayed friends, getting closer no doubt, but friends.  It was kind of like talking to a best friend.  We can stay on the phone for hours and never get bored.

Also in February, still eating btw.  Nothing changed there-I actually maintained for a long while.  My boys and I settled into a new routine.  We were the 3 musketeers and everything was going well.  God was changing me, He was teaching me and He was changing my heart.  You see I didn’t want to be one of those bitter people, or a vengeful person.  I just wanted to put the past behind me and move on with my life.  There was no going back for me. Once God showed me a second time that Rob was who he was that was it for me.  No more waiting, just moving forward.  The Lord had brought me through so much already.  One of the women came back to church.  I knew it would happen and had been praying almost since the day I found out about the affair that God would give me a love and forgiveness for them.  That it wouldn’t cause division in our church, that everything would be fine.  You know what?  It absolutely was.  Simple as that.  God’s grace, His love, His forgiveness is all that was needed.  From that point on she was forgiven.  For that matter so was Rob (even though he didn’t ask for forgiveness, it’s not my place to judge) I didn’t want to hold onto any hurt or any pain, I just let the Lord take it all and replace it with His perfect love and forgiveness.

A little while after that she started watching my boys again and life started falling into place a little more each day.  Some people found it hard to understand how I could let her back into my life, some people still do not understand.  The thing is they don’t know my situation, they don’t know my heart and they definitely don’t know what God can do-He is more than able to do this and so much more.  The other woman whom Rob was having an affair with also came back to church.  And just like with the one I was closest to, there was peace and forgiveness.

Meanwhile, this new friend in my life was a God send, he gets me in a way I don’t think anyone ever has.  We started getting closer and yet I was still waiting on the Lord.  I should probably mention that God also taught me A LOT of patience through everything.  Then, it happened.  He came to church with me and he kept coming.  Then one time that he came he knelt down and asked God to save him.  The following weekend we had a big baptism at the river (11 of us got baptized!!!).  It was an amazing time.  We started officially dating, a big step for me, but it just felt right.  This all happened between March and May.

Also in May, my divorce was finally finalized!  We went to court, it literally took 5 minutes in front of the judge.  I couldn’t believe all that waiting and it only took 5 minutes!!  I have to say Rob and I make pretty good co-parents.  We work things out for the boys, we don’t have any weird visitation schedule.  Everything is amicable.  My boys are happy and love being with Rob and his family.  God really does know how to work everything out!!

On the relationship side it has been slow and wonderful!  He is such a patient man.  I have a whole lot of crazy going on, a whole lot of “baggage” and a whole lot of trust issues.  Literally everyday I pray for our relationship-the only thing I want is for us to be strengthened in the Lord together as a couple.  And literally everyday he shows me how patient he is and gradually day by day I feel like someone really does care about me, like maybe things will be alright and that there is a great guy for me.  My boys adore him (even Justin who you all may remember is not a fan of new people).  He absolutely loves my boys.  He has been exactly what I prayed for.  Some people have doubts and that’s fine, people are going to have their opinions.  BUT I firmly believe that as long as I’m holding to God and putting Him first NOTHING can get in the way.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, that my friends is absolutely true.  People also say that prayer doesn’t work, let me tell you they are wrong.  I don’t write this post to be preachy or to sway anyone.  I write it because I feel ready to talk about it, if it sounds preachy it isn’t meant to.  It’s just that without the Lord I would be a completely different person, in a completely different place in my life.  Without trusting in Him and without Him giving me His love, forgiveness, grace and mercy I wouldn’t be as happy as I am and my boys wouldn’t be as adjusted and happy as they are.  I owe it all to Him.  Everything, good and bad-you see He has brought me through.  I have so many people come up and say you’re such a good person to forgive and forget, but I always say that it was not me AT ALL-it was God.  He IS able to do all things, if you are willing to let Him work in your life.  I’m not saying I don’t struggle, I’m not saying life is perfect, but it is “pertinear” close and I wouldn’t have any of it: my family, happy and healthy boys, a wonderful man and a friend back in my life-if it weren’t for Him!

I am severely struggling with my weight.  Through all of this I have gained back almost 30 pounds.  I have quit WW twice and re-joined, I just quit it again this week because I cannot get myself back on track.  I have a lot of supportive friends and family, but at the end of the day you all know as well as I do that it has to be up to me.  I have to be the one to make the change.  I do keep swimming!  I wake up and try every day-I fail miserably by the end of the day, but I am still trying in the hopes that it will turn into determination one day.  I’m terrified of gaining all the weight back, of something happening to me and not being there for my boys, of having to take insulin again (which I cannot afford)-yet I still can’t seem to get my head “in the game.”  I’m hoping to start posting here a few times a week.  I am busier than ever so I’m not sure I will be able to, but I need to try.

Sorry this post is so long, it was time to post this.  Just like throughout the last 7 months there was a time for waiting, a time for moving forward, a time for forgiveness and a time for love.  I miss this part of me, I miss hearing from you all.   I hope you all are doing well.  I truly appreciate all of the comments, emails and texts over the last 7 months.  Yes, I am still here, yes WLJ I am struggling, but I’m not giving up!!

The title of this post comes from a song that our church choir just learned, it absolutely fits me and has wonderful lyrics:

Held On by Shara McKee

I’ve got a couple other things to tell you, like chickens and Kentucky but those will have to wait for another day!  Hope you all have an awesome weekend!!  Just keep swimming…….

Sorry guys…….

I have had one of the toughest weekends that I’ve ever had in my life.  Early Friday morning I found out that my husband has been cheating on me.  Not with just one person, but two people.  Misty, who was our baby sitter and who I also thought was like a sister to me was one of the people and the other was someone from our church who we used to be pretty close.  Apparently it’s been going on for a while and I had no clue.  Well, that’s not true: a couple of months ago I prayed to the Lord to let me know if there was something he was hiding.  I warned Rob of this telling him that if he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to that the Lord would let me know.  Apparently that didn’t matter to him.

I have to say that at first I was ready to get a divorce, but after counseling with my pastor I am going to hold off and wait to see what God has for us.  If it were just me, I would for sure be getting one, but my boys…..o my goodness my 2 wonderful little miracles didn’t deserve any of this and if the Lord can change Rob’s heart and change his way then I am willing to work things out.  Please pray for my babies, they don’t understand why Misty can’t watch them and they sure as goodness do not understand why Daddy cannot live with us right now.  I want them to be shielded as much as possible from all of it and know that God can do this for them.

Like I said, a very tough situation indeed.

We had an amazing church service yesterday morning, God blessed me so good and has given me so much strength and forgiveness and patience that I know I would not have had without Him.

I’ve been thinking about this and I am going to stop blogging.  I have always been really open with you guys (maybe too open at times LOL!) and I cannot control who sees this blog so this will be my last blog.  I hate not blogging, but I can’t afford to be so public right now.

If you would please say a prayer for my family and that God has his way in this situation I would appreciate it.  Also, pray for all that is involved.  The person from church and Misty both have spouses, have families-say a prayer that all can forgive and move past this, that God works in each of their lives and has control.  I know it seems odd, but I really hope that marriages are not busted up over this and that things can work out the way God wants them to.

Thank you guys, I have loved sharing my life with you and I appreciate all the support you’ve given me over the last couple of years.

Hitting the snooze…..

Well not exactly the “snooze button,” but metaphorically speaking I did not want to do any kind of work out yesterday. I didn’t even end up picking up my kids because I had to go out to 2 job sites yesterday one over an hour from my house (and to the south) and one not too far from my house.  I also had to run to Kroger for some dinner items and it was just late and I didn’t want to do anything.

I got home, changed my clothes and read my book for a bit.  I’m reading the Harry Potter series.  Don’t laugh at me, I’ve seen all the movies, but never got into the books.  I’m loving the first one and since it’s been so long since I’ve seen the movies it really doesn’t compare you know what I mean?  Anyway, then I made dinner.  We had turkey tacos, I had a turkey quesadilla and a salad – mmmmm mmmmm good!!

I was sitting there after dinner thinking we have a semi-busy weekend and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get in a work out at all Friday, Saturday or Sunday.  That motivated me enough to get off my behind and get on the dreadmill.  I only did 2 miles, but honestly 2 miles is pretty good and it’s certainly better than nothing!  Plus I got to read some more of my book while walking 🙂

Tonight I think I’m going to go to the gym, then the grocery then I’m thinking of making patty melts like they have at Freddy’s!  I’m super geeked about these:


They are I think 14-22 points at Freddy’s depending on if you get cheese or not.  I just thought I bet I could make them more WW friendly by using the thin cheese and ground sirloin.  I will report back!

Anyway, as you can tell not too much going on.  Just trying to stay OP and get by!  Hope you guys have an awesome OP day!

Not too bad…..

So…….WI was not as bad as I expected LOL!!!  I gained 1 pound.  I’m actually alright with this because boy did I eat!  I’m lucky that it wasn’t a much bigger gain!!!  Hubby gained 2 pounds and Mom lost .8!

I’m already back on track so I think that’s also why the gain wasn’t much of a “blow.”  I just hope that everything doesn’t catch up to me on next week’s WI.

Yesterday I made it to the gym, didn’t want to, but glad I did though!  I did 2 miles on the elliptical in 23 minutes (that’s good time for me!)!!  When I got home Misty, Will (her husband), Butchie and I went for a walk-almost 2 miles!  WOOT!!

Nothing big happening today and things are a little calmer at work.  If I can I’m going to go to the gym, but I might have to pick up my boys from school so I don’t know if I’ll be able to!

Nothing much going on here, just trying to stay on plan and really focus on not cramming everything in my mouth!!!  :0

Have an awesome day guys!

New week reset!

O my goodness I am so sorry it has taken me so long to post!  I took an impromptu couple of days off last week to be with my kids and didn’t even get a chance to wish you all a happy Thanksiving!!  I hope you all had a wonderful turkey day!

I was back at work yesterday, but got so busy with things that I didn’t have a chance to post!  I’m a little busy today too so I am going to do a quick run down of my Thanksgiving “break”:

  • Wednesday got my booty to the gym when hubby got home (this is a big deal because usually if I’m already home I don’t go back out, especially to the gym).  Ended up doing a 5k on the elliptical woot woot!!
  • Went to my Mom’s Wednesday night to food prep and it’s a tradition that we all spend the night there.  Ate just OK while there that night.
  • Turkey day was a win!  Food wise and family wise!! Woot!  My boys, Butchie and I went for an almost 2 mile walk and then we spent the day having fun with everyone!  I stuck to my pre-tracked meal except I did have a small portion of Mom’s mac n’ cheese because it looked SO good!  Took leftovers home, but didn’t end up eating them!
  • Black Friday shopping went awesome!!  We found so many deals, I got almost everyone done woot woot!  Ate horrendously though!  We waited too long to eat and then went to the Cheesecake Factory and just over did it (no cheesecake or dessert though LOL!).  Then had Taco Bell as a late n ight dinner…FAIL!!


  • I was so surprised to buy smaller clothes for myself, some of the stuff I got was a 2X o and North face had a big sale and I actually fit their coats!!!  That was a major NSV for me-so exciting!!
  • Saturday we put the tree up at my Mom and Dad’s (as per tradition), had pizza.  Then hubby, Seester, BIL and I went to see Fantastic Beasts!!  It was SOOOOO good you guys!!  Hubby and I went out for a late dinner (my parents wanted the boys to spend the night) so we went to our favorite burger place-not the best food choice let me tell you!
  • Sunday I laid around most of the day because I had hurt my foot from all the walking Friday and Saturday and wanted it to feel better.
  • Monday back on plan!  Went to the gym also and did 30 minute strength training and 50 ball squats!
  • Plan for today is to stay OP and hit the gym after work for some cardio!

So my eating will have me at a gain tomorrow, but I am back on plan and that’s what counts!  Just gotta keep swimming…….

I’m so sorry for not posting, I hope you all had a fantastic Turkey day weekend and an even better week!!  Here are some pics from the weekend:


NSV and bad eating!

WELLLLLLLLL the weekend could have went better!  We had an AMAZING time as far as family time went.  Food wise-not so much.  Let’s just put it this way: there will be another gain this week.

Guys, seriously if it doesn’t get better and I can’t reign it in I’m going to start going to WW meetings to see if that helps.  My budget can’t really afford it, but I’m just not sure what to do.  The thing is, it has to be me!  I have to be the one to say no to food and I don’t for the life of me know why I’m struggling so much.

The good news is I had a great NSV Friday night:


Isn’t is pretty?  Hubby bought it for me Friday night, do you know why?  Because it actually fit me!!  I’ve never been able to wear a Pandora ring before (their sizes and my fat hands were never a match).  It is so pretty and I was SO excited that it fit!!

You see?  I have this great NSV and tons other ones on my journey-why would I want to go back?  I don’t want to, how do I stop eating???????

Temptation Weekend!

Ok so just a little update I have been OP since Wednesday WOOT!  I did not go to the gym Wednesday.  I had a bad sinus headache so decided just to walk around my subdivision (plus the weather was really nice!).  Butchie and I walked 1.6 miles!  Yesterday Misty and I went to the gym.  It was her first time and she did an AWESOME job!!  We did the recumbent bike and dreadmill.  A very nice work out and I’m only mildly sore this morning 🙂  Plus we had Chinese for dinner last night and I rocked it!! WOOT!


So onto this weekend-it is chalk full of temptation!!  Tonight we are going to a tree lighting and parade.  I’m sure there will yummy goodies to steer clear of!  I mean I know I could have them and work them into my day, but I really want to get myself re-focused so I am going to avoid it.  We are also going to a new restaurant that’s called Freddie’s I think.  I have to look up the menu to figure out what to get!

Saturday morning we are getting up early to head out to the Children’s Museum of Indianapolis.  We were just going to go there for the day and come home, but my aunt got us a hotel room so we are going to spend the night.  I always fail at the complimentary breakfast (why I don’t know because it’s not like it’s gourmet food) so need to be mindful there.  In fact, since we will be eating out all weekend I need to be mindful the whole weekend!!


Anyway, I just want to do really good this weekend.  I need to stay focused and my BFF Kim said I could text her if I’m feeling weak LOL!!

Do you guys have any big plans this weekend?  Whatever it is I hope it is a great one!!

Oh my….. and a recipe review!

Welp, no big surprise I had another monster gain this morning of 6 pounds.  Oh yes friends, I said 6!  It’s really OK though because I am already back on plan, have my appointments ready and will conquer it!

Hubby also gained, but only 1 pound and my Mom lost 2 pounds!  Woot Woot!!  Speaking of my appointment.  Yesterday I did not go to the gym because Seester had a migraine and I had to watch Jack.  It’s ok though because for #1 I got to food prep some lunch stuff for today and #2 I am going to make up for it today!

So onto the recipe review:

So last night for dinner I made Skinnytaste Egg Roll in a Bowl, I couldn’t find it on her website, but it is from her new Fast and Slow Cookbook.  From the nutrition information on the recipe it came to 11sp for 1 1/2 cups, but there are a ton of veg in the recipe so I’m thinking it’s probably a little lower in points!

The other recipe I made was a simple, but yummy one!  This was from Drizzle Me Skinny.  Her Cheesy Bacon Roll Ups were so easy and is my lunch for today.  Mine came to 7sp for the “roll.”

dscn9362  I made one for hubby too and we tried a piece last night, really good!

I made a “cheese ball” roll up last night too.  5sp and I used the Buddig beef (1 pack made 2 rolls), Tumaro wrap, 2T of the 1/3 less fat chive cream cheese-rolled it up and it was 5sp of yumminess!

Alright guys, gotta get back to work, hope you all have a great OP day!!


My struggle with food……..

………is very real.  Sometimes I feel as if I have a handle on it, but other times I feel weak.  Is that normal?  I don’t know, but I think it is for me.


Do you constantly think about food?  I do.  I think about food all the time: what I’m having for dinner, what I’m having as a snack, what we should have for a certain function, what kinds of recipes I could make…….it is for reallzy real an endless battle.

Just when I think I’m in a good place and “rocking my journey” something comes along food wise and knocks me on my butt.  The thing is though, I won’t let it defeat me for long.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have had bad days or weeks, but I always come back fighting!!


So, after my horrendous eating yesterday I was completely back on plan and working the program.  I’m dual tracking to help hold me even more accountable because let’s face it no matter how much support I get IT IS ALWAYS MY CHOICE AND ALWAYS UP TO ME TO CHANGE.  Anyway, I was doing great until Seester and I went to the store and pizza sounded good and then it’s right next to the Greek place so pita and hummus sounded good too.  THEN I still had dinner…..oy!  However, I reached out to my friend and she put me in my place.  Still it is up to me to change my habits.  The struggle is real and if I knew an answer or thought someone knew an answer I would seek it.  I’m not sure if there is a finite answer though, I mean everyone is different and there could be a million reasons why I have food issues.  God only knows and He will help me, but I firmly believe that He helps those who help themselves and cramming pizza in my face is not helping me!


On a positive note I got back into exercise yesterday.  Lissa and I walked for 2 miles at work and I plan on going to the gym after work.  I am going to the gym by myself because Seester isn’t ready to go back yet.  I so wish I had a work out buddy that lived closer so we could help motivate each other.  At any rate that is my plan.  I want to work out at least 3 days a week, not so much for weight loss, but I feel like it puts me in a better mind set, relives stress and I just feel better after I get a work out in!

I’ve also been in a “food funk” meaning I’m out of good sounding ideas for lunches/breakfast.  I did some research last night and came up with a few ideas and that gets me excited again.  I need to re-train my body because right now it is screaming “eat all the burgers and pizza.”  I’ve said it before, but crap eating begets crap eating and in my case that is SO true!

My week resets tomorrow, I’m going to still WI, but know it will be another gain.  I’ll “take it like a woman” and keep to my plan.  I know I can do this, I don’t know why I slip up, but it’s good to know that I CAN DO IT!!!!  Onward and downward and I just keep swimming to my little hearts content no matter what happens!!

Sorry this is a long blog, thanks for listening and commenting and for all the support!  Have a great day guys!

Bad eating weekend…….

Oy!!  This weekend was not pretty!  On the food front I don’t know what happened or what was going on with me, but I literally ate everything in site.  It was awful guys!

It started out Friday when I was cooking for Seester.  She had her in-laws coming for an early Thanksgiving on Saturday and I always make the mashed potatoes, cheesecake and deviled eggs.  This year she wanted me to smoke a turkey and make banana pudding too.  I started out with strong resolve, but I don’t know if I waited too long to eat or just am weak around food (so probably both) I was cramming in nilla wafers like it was my job!!  We finally ate dinner around 7:30ish and then I had to have cookies that Seester made…….I mean come on!!  SMH!

So Saturday comes along and I’m already in the red-I say well it is a new day no big deal-pick it back up!  I did excellent at breakfast, already had my dinner pre-tracked so I was pretty much set, right?  WRONG!  Somewhere around 2 I was literally scouring my fridge and cabinets for food!  It was like my stomach was a never ending pit and could not be satisfied.  Then the dinner that I had pre-tracked went out the window when it was almost 8 and we hadn’t ate dinner yet.  So what did we do?  Ordered pizza and I knew full well what I was doing but it was so late and the kids were hungry and then of course I was so hungry that I ate 3 slices!!  Good gravy!  Then Seester had leftovers so at like 10:00 I was eating ham and cookies…..o my good gracious!!!

You guys!  I fell off the wagon so hard that I deserve whatever the scale shows me come Wednesday!  I’d like to say Sunday was better and once again it started out that way, but it was an epic failure!

So……other than awful eating (and a lot of eating) we had a lot of family time this weekend!  So fun: cooking with my boys, shopping with them, putting up our Christmas decorations!!

Here’s to a better week than my weekend!  Hope you guys had a good weekend and have an awesome OP day!