Hi guys! I have tried to write something for the last couple of months. Every time I try I chicken out. I just don’t know what to say, so much is different now and I just don’t know where to start. I started this blog for a weight loss journey, but it evolved into everyday life and then that life that I knew just up and vanished. So I’m not sure where to start with this, but here goes:
Rewind to October 2016, I had been struggling with bouncing back and forth between a few pounds. I just couldn’t get myself on track and stay on track. Aside from my WLJ I was enjoying life, enjoying my family, but I knew something was “off.” I had been praying for God to show me what was going on. Then right after Thanksgiving I found out about Rob. He had been having an affair with a couple of women (more probably, but I only know about the 2). Because the one was so close to me and because my world that I thought was pretty good kind of crumbled in one day I was shattered. Don’t get me wrong I know I’m a strong person (not being boastful, but I know this about me). This, though was something completely different. This was something I couldn’t get through on my own. I mean, how could he do this? We have a great life, we have these 2 perfect, miracle boys-what possesses someone to throw all that away? Those were my thoughts…… I cried, I got angry, I prayed A LOT!! I had kicked him out of the house that day and after talking to my pastor and some more praying I decided to see what happened. To just keep praying about it and if God wanted us to be together He would give me forgiveness and change him, I knew it wouldn’t happen over night, but I was willing to see what happened.
WLJ wise I was a mess, I started gaining weight and I realized that I am a HUGE emotional eater. When I was sad I ate, when I was happy (and yes I was happy because the Lord gave me comfort and strength when I just couldn’t do it on my own, plus He gave me these 2 wonderful miracles that gives my life joy) I ate, when I was stressed I ate because let me tell you becoming a single mom over night, making new routines was stressful!
I think it was mid-January when I found out he was still talking to one of the women. He claims it was just for friendship, but seriously after what they did how could you even think about being friends with that person (especially when you supposedly want your marriage to work). So, a lot of prayer and counseling with my pastor I filed for divorce. You know what? I wasn’t as broken up as I though I would be. I mean, sure the perfect life I had always wanted just completely changed, but God gave me strength. Actually He gave me everything my heart has ever desired. My boys who at first were a little confused actually adjusted quite well. It’s only through God’s love and grace and the help of my family that they did. I would pray that God send me someone. I was very specific: I wanted him to be in church, to be caring, to be loyal, to be understanding, to love me in a way I had never been loved before, to be older, to love my kids like his own, to have a love for him like I had never known before, to be kind, to be patient, someone to have a true partnership with, someone to have that mushy, all-consuming love with and a few other things. I knew what I had had before wasn’t what I wanted in the future. The more I thought about my marriage I just don’t know if it was ever that real true love that you hear about. Of course there was love there, but I think maybe for both of us it wasn’t the right kind of love-does that make sense? The Lord gave me so much love, SOOOOO much forgiveness, so much comfort and strength. I was finally coming out of this and felt like I was making the right decision.
Then February came. Lawyers are super slow-did anyone know that? I mean it feels like it took forever to get the agreement signed, but waiting for the courts-wow! Meanwhile I was still eating emotionally and just eating in general. I also stopped cooking like I used to. I guess because my boys never really ate what I cooked anyway I just didn’t see a reason to cook for myself. That doesn’t mean we ate fast food all the time, it just means we weren’t eating home cooked meals. Right around this time I met this man. Not out of the blue-someone I have known for a very long time, we have worked together for years. He was going through his own life issues and we became friends (whereas before it was more of seeing each other here and there-ya know?). So, I prayed. And prayed some more (are you noticing a theme here?), I prayed for his life issues, I prayed that God would strengthen him, that He would let me know what the next step was. You see, he wasn’t in church and that was my #1 pre-requisite for anyone I would be with in the future. So we stayed friends, getting closer no doubt, but friends. It was kind of like talking to a best friend. We can stay on the phone for hours and never get bored.
Also in February, still eating btw. Nothing changed there-I actually maintained for a long while. My boys and I settled into a new routine. We were the 3 musketeers and everything was going well. God was changing me, He was teaching me and He was changing my heart. You see I didn’t want to be one of those bitter people, or a vengeful person. I just wanted to put the past behind me and move on with my life. There was no going back for me. Once God showed me a second time that Rob was who he was that was it for me. No more waiting, just moving forward. The Lord had brought me through so much already. One of the women came back to church. I knew it would happen and had been praying almost since the day I found out about the affair that God would give me a love and forgiveness for them. That it wouldn’t cause division in our church, that everything would be fine. You know what? It absolutely was. Simple as that. God’s grace, His love, His forgiveness is all that was needed. From that point on she was forgiven. For that matter so was Rob (even though he didn’t ask for forgiveness, it’s not my place to judge) I didn’t want to hold onto any hurt or any pain, I just let the Lord take it all and replace it with His perfect love and forgiveness.
A little while after that she started watching my boys again and life started falling into place a little more each day. Some people found it hard to understand how I could let her back into my life, some people still do not understand. The thing is they don’t know my situation, they don’t know my heart and they definitely don’t know what God can do-He is more than able to do this and so much more. The other woman whom Rob was having an affair with also came back to church. And just like with the one I was closest to, there was peace and forgiveness.
Meanwhile, this new friend in my life was a God send, he gets me in a way I don’t think anyone ever has. We started getting closer and yet I was still waiting on the Lord. I should probably mention that God also taught me A LOT of patience through everything. Then, it happened. He came to church with me and he kept coming. Then one time that he came he knelt down and asked God to save him. The following weekend we had a big baptism at the river (11 of us got baptized!!!). It was an amazing time. We started officially dating, a big step for me, but it just felt right. This all happened between March and May.
Also in May, my divorce was finally finalized! We went to court, it literally took 5 minutes in front of the judge. I couldn’t believe all that waiting and it only took 5 minutes!! I have to say Rob and I make pretty good co-parents. We work things out for the boys, we don’t have any weird visitation schedule. Everything is amicable. My boys are happy and love being with Rob and his family. God really does know how to work everything out!!
On the relationship side it has been slow and wonderful! He is such a patient man. I have a whole lot of crazy going on, a whole lot of “baggage” and a whole lot of trust issues. Literally everyday I pray for our relationship-the only thing I want is for us to be strengthened in the Lord together as a couple. And literally everyday he shows me how patient he is and gradually day by day I feel like someone really does care about me, like maybe things will be alright and that there is a great guy for me. My boys adore him (even Justin who you all may remember is not a fan of new people). He absolutely loves my boys. He has been exactly what I prayed for. Some people have doubts and that’s fine, people are going to have their opinions. BUT I firmly believe that as long as I’m holding to God and putting Him first NOTHING can get in the way.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, that my friends is absolutely true. People also say that prayer doesn’t work, let me tell you they are wrong. I don’t write this post to be preachy or to sway anyone. I write it because I feel ready to talk about it, if it sounds preachy it isn’t meant to. It’s just that without the Lord I would be a completely different person, in a completely different place in my life. Without trusting in Him and without Him giving me His love, forgiveness, grace and mercy I wouldn’t be as happy as I am and my boys wouldn’t be as adjusted and happy as they are. I owe it all to Him. Everything, good and bad-you see He has brought me through. I have so many people come up and say you’re such a good person to forgive and forget, but I always say that it was not me AT ALL-it was God. He IS able to do all things, if you are willing to let Him work in your life. I’m not saying I don’t struggle, I’m not saying life is perfect, but it is “pertinear” close and I wouldn’t have any of it: my family, happy and healthy boys, a wonderful man and a friend back in my life-if it weren’t for Him!
I am severely struggling with my weight. Through all of this I have gained back almost 30 pounds. I have quit WW twice and re-joined, I just quit it again this week because I cannot get myself back on track. I have a lot of supportive friends and family, but at the end of the day you all know as well as I do that it has to be up to me. I have to be the one to make the change. I do keep swimming! I wake up and try every day-I fail miserably by the end of the day, but I am still trying in the hopes that it will turn into determination one day. I’m terrified of gaining all the weight back, of something happening to me and not being there for my boys, of having to take insulin again (which I cannot afford)-yet I still can’t seem to get my head “in the game.” I’m hoping to start posting here a few times a week. I am busier than ever so I’m not sure I will be able to, but I need to try.
Sorry this post is so long, it was time to post this. Just like throughout the last 7 months there was a time for waiting, a time for moving forward, a time for forgiveness and a time for love. I miss this part of me, I miss hearing from you all. I hope you all are doing well. I truly appreciate all of the comments, emails and texts over the last 7 months. Yes, I am still here, yes WLJ I am struggling, but I’m not giving up!!
The title of this post comes from a song that our church choir just learned, it absolutely fits me and has wonderful lyrics:
I’ve got a couple other things to tell you, like chickens and Kentucky but those will have to wait for another day! Hope you all have an awesome weekend!! Just keep swimming…….
I made one for hubby too and we tried a piece last night, really good!
FAT girl losing…. 